Friday, October 19, 2012

The fat American Baker on a diet


Sorry I have been gone for a while

How is life? I hope well.

There was something I wanted to ask you, but before I do, I thought I should catch you up on Dutch Life BUT that would be too long. So I have decided to give a few bullet points about what has happened in life as an American living in Holland since the last post.

I am fat.

I am a full time Baker.

I am a fat Baker that is a small Business Owner (I wish that was reversed)

NO... NO I STILL do not speak Dutch. Get off my ass! It is hard and there are 22 letter words!

I CAN name almost every baking product in Dutch though!

I love everything we bake. I mean I REALLY LOVE it.

I am on a diet.

I am surrounded by chocolate and sugar.

I do bad things alone in the bakery.

I still love Jur!

I am tying to represent America by selling American desserts which is why I am on a diet.

I am a cliche.

I have been told that American Apple Pie is substandard in comparison to the Dutch Apple Taart.... NO MATTER HOW FREAKING HARD I TRY! But I will keep trying.

If one more Dutch person tells me American Desserts are too sweet (and not in a good way which I do not see how anything sweet can be bad) I may jump in a canal. It is a freaking dessert. Is supposed to be sweet!

I am now a fast and fearless Bicycle rider!

I can now carry several bags of groceries while riding my bike .... even in the rain.

I can fall off my bike and get right back on.

I eat fish now (some) ... okay a little. Okay well not that much.

I still hate herring

I love mayonnaise on everything now... I am fat.

Cheese is equal to water. I am fat.

I have discovered that after a long day of work... Martini's are fun. And two are a blast but a bit sloppy. Three and work is awful the next day

I am now part of a traveling Dutch Food Circus Carnival.... I am known as the fat gay loud American selling Cupcakes

I have yelled at a few people... (there are stories here and apologies that may come in the form of later blogs)

I still love Queen Beatrix and Holland

I still miss America and so I eat to sooth myself while watching dutch subtitled episodes of Little House on the Prairie

I watch Modern Family and think the writers are secretly filming me to get stories for the character named Cam (Is this true? Please. Someone just be honest with me!) (It make me feel like I am on the Truman Show)(I am becoming paranoid)

I have traveled and eaten all over Europe. A Lot. (I am the gay Julia Child's)

I still love ice (lot's of ice) and free water. I DEMAND FREE WATER! IN BIG GLASSES!

I am forming a foundation to teach and encourage the Dutch to forms lines in public places

I am also on an anti-dog poo everywhere crusade. I am losing the battle but I lay awake at night plotting my crusade!

Oh....and Jur has recently received some very exciting news but I have to wait for him to let me announce it.... more on that in an upcoming post!

SO I AM BACK, not living a Fairytale but also not suffering from Dutch Depression either so I need a new blog name! Suggestions are welcome...  I hope you are still there? I hope we can share and laugh.

So to end the beginning of the new old blog...... the biggest change in my life is that Jur and I have established the American Baking Company... Life handed us lemons (as many of you may know) and we gathered ourselves together made lemon bars... you can check us out on facebook or our website and read our story...  The baking is exhausting but the pleased customers and the pride in our true American desserts are such a joy. Every day I hope that this will be the day that I will not want to eat our treats but damn they are good! Please feel free come try one. Show up at our door, mention the blog and get a free piece!

Maybe my next blog I will share with you the moment I found my self spread out on the floor in the bakery reaching underneath a counter desperately trying to get a Belgian chocolate chip I dropped. I was frantic in my determination to eat it (even though we have large containers full of them). I flopped around like a giant grub, grunting and stretching in pain until I became breathless and dizzy. I love chocolate..... oh it is shameful.

Anyway we have now scheduled in writing time for this blog each week and I am glad to be back.  Hope you are still up for some Dutch, European, Fun, Food, Cultural Stories.

Go make it a good day ya'll!
Ken -aka The Fat Gay American Dutch Screaming Cupcake Pushing Baker in the Hague


  1. i love you, ken. you are great at any and all sizes. if you were here, i would demand that you eat bacon wrapped hotdogs, smothered in mayonnaise with me. xo, cup-kate

  2. Great blog. The first I've read. Besides the gay, cupcake pushing, business owner; I feel a kinship with you and your struggle to assimilate in a foreign place that can often be so far from our comfort zone. But at the end of the day, Holland is a great country to live in.
    You're not alone!

  3. So happy you're back. I've missed you.

    Don't get mad, but I do agree with the Dutch about the sweetness of American desserts.

    That's why I always skip dessert in restaurants.....But I do love ice cream..... (I will soon be fat)

  4. Great! Great baker and writer..and i will never say the word sweet when you're around again ;)

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  6. I love you Ken. Whenever I see you at the PureMarkt I leave smiling and happy. Thanks for that.

    Ingrid, your Canadian friend from Pure Markt.

  7. As a new blog name, I'm really loving...
    "Lemon Bars from Lemons"
    "The Screaming Fat Baker!"
    Either way, you're just as funny in Dutch as you are in American!!!

  8. Ken, it is really fun getting up at 07.00 and read this. Whenever you decide to stop backing, you can write a book, will be a bestseller. I hope to see you next sunday at Frankendael Pure Markt, drink much and you will see me for sure! For now a big hug

  9. I've always said never trust a skinny chef. That goes double for a baker! Glad you're back. I've missed your highly entertaining blog. And I agree with the book comment above. You really could write a bestseller about your life in a new land. I look forward to reading the next post.

  10. ha ha ha... thank you for a good laugh... love your sense of humour and can relate to all you are going through.
    btw, I would do the same for a chocolate chip ;-)