Sunday, January 10, 2010

I Survived!

The Holidays, Holland, John "the British are coming" Moore, snow, and winter had knocked me out for a while. Also too much socializing, drinking and eating. Oh the eating! All my favorites back in LA (Fatburger, In and Out Burger) then the BBQ and the Tex Mex in San Antonio (Aye)(lots!)Then of course all the mayonnaise, french fries and "food" back here in Holland! And, of course, for a finale to the Holidays, having John "the Vodka swigging Englishman" turning our home into his personal Fish and Chip Pub Shop. Alcohol and fried food. Lovely. I actually slipped on our kitchen for a moment from his french fry grease!

God challenged the beginning of my New Year with a snow storm. Ironically not here in Holland but in England. How is this a challenge you ask? Well the huge storm came while John was visiting. Extending his already lengthy visit by THREE days! Actually I did better with John this time. I did not hit him with a frying pan. I learned a lot about how to entertain him and the English. I ran to the store often for Vodka. I made sure he always had the remote control and that he was aware we had four BBC channels. Booze and BBC keeps the English happy. I could still hear him commenting or laughing (with his Dudley Moore from Arthur loud laugh) at all hours of the night but my "visualizing the lotus" meditation came in handy at these times.

Actually I saw that THIS trip was taken it's toll on John too. He always looks tired and haggered after a few days here I have thought but this time his body started to give out. We sat in the living room watching BBC. John with his eighth Vodka (with 7-Up NOT Sprite and a splash of Orange Juice) (The British are very proper with their booze), I with my hot tea, when suddenly John stood up (as best he could) and announced slurringly that he was going to the Winkel (Dutch corner store) for some Cigarettes and Chocolate. I knew better then to even try and stop him. Of course he stumbles out without a coat and its freezing outside and it is also snowing. The side walk was covered in snow and ice. I just let him go and visualized the Lotus as I heard the door slam shut.

Now the winkel is just around the corner and after five minutes passed I started to worry. (My Lotus was wilting.) Eventually I went to the front door out of concern and when I opened it there was John. Shivering and freezing, palish purple and looking VERY serious while holding on to two chocolate bars and a pack of some European Cigarettes.

"John get in here! What the hell is wrong with you?" I snapped at him

John looked at me and said with a lisp and a British accent "I lost a front tooth" Then he grinned real big to prove it and there it was a giant hole where his front tooth used to be.

Now I am not sure exactly what happened but....

I think John wandered from the winkel and got a little lost, forgot his lighter so he couldn't smoke and so he decided to bite into his chocolate bar which was now frozen from the cold.

He claims he slipped and fell on the ice (he told me to say that when I was to write about this.)

Later he changed it to "Ken slammed the door in my face when he(Ken) forced me(John) to go out and get him(Ken) chocolate". Oh...okay.

Jur had no statement about what he thought occurred but didn't mind asking if he could eat John's tooth chipping chocolate bar which I think John thought was very insensitive (I ate some too just not in front of John)

However the tooth loss incident happened John's losing a tooth was enough for him to stop drinking and announce "blizzard or no blizzard I need to get back to Mother England." We spent the rest of the night watching BBC. John covering his mouth. I was allowed to make five jokes about the stereotypes of the quality of English teeth.(Five is not enough.) I even went outside and tried to find his tooth in the snow. I wanted to make a necklace out of it. John laughed at this but covered up his smile with his hands. I wanted to take a photo for you but that was NOT going to happen. At one point I got up and excused myself and went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, flossed and then gargled just out of appreciation for not being John  at this moment.

The next morning I got up to make us coffee and asked John if he would like some. He said "Yesth"

Now he likes lots of cream and about five spoonfuls of sugar. I asked "The usual way?"

"Yesth pleasth" he replied

I simply said (with a smirk) as I whisked away to the kitchen "Sugar is bad for the teeth"

He was so ready to leave. As he left the house I said I was sorry about how things ended and I know he will probably never come back, I know he must be exhausted and sick of us to which he replied "rubbishth, never, oh I'll be back! I loveth it here. Thee you thoon"

So the food, travels, no exercise, booze of all of December and first part of January have left me feeling fat and tired. Jur feels the same. I think. We have had a few "discussions" about how I am not washing our clothes correctly. Apparently I am shrinking Jur's clothes. Okay,that is it, I admit it, I am shrinking Jur's clothes. Enough said.

So now that I am rested I can write and work on my New Years resolutions! Get healthy, write, work more and travel. I have decided to announce to you that I will be adding some stories of my past "Incarnations" on this site (or a link to it) I hope this is okay and you will check them out. Just once a week or so. Stories about New York, Los Angeles, Malaysia, Spain, Texas (of course), my years as Manny Kenbo, the Amish Country, the lengths I have gone to for my devotion to chocolate and perhaps a few private personal "adventures" (someday)(I am still working through these in therapy.)

I will also join a gym AND I applied for a job. Me, a JOB in HOLLAND! This should be fun. I have an interview on Tuesday. I will keep you posted. HINT: It is somewhere that Queen Beatrix has been (or goes) so hopefully I can meet her there and arrange tea time together! I WILL meet her! Jur advised me not to mention any of my Queen Beatrix obsession during my interview. I will try not to.

One final thing, it is snowing here. It has snowed a lot. Not like blizzards or anything just an on again off again light snow for the last couple of weeks. I DISTINCTLY recall Jur and his family saying it does not snow that often in Holland when I was considering my move here. Well it DOES! Jur and his family say this is lovely and special. I cut my forehead on the snow. Don't ask but I did. Dutch snow is dangerous.


  1. Last winter was my first winter here and it was NOTHING like this. Barely a dusting of snow a few days and that disappeared within a few hours.

    Thank goodness we got a Senseo coffee machine for Christmas, since the cold weather has been making me turn to warm coffee (with and without the addition of whiskey) on a regular basis. On the other hand, the caffeine is probably wreaking havoc on my already messed up sleeping habits. At least my guest of two and a half weeks has finally gone! Cheers to having our homes back! ;)

  2. Dutch snow is awesome!!! its proper fluffy snow not like the trampy slushy snow we get in NI. AS for the clothes shrinking incident? I find that if you sneakily replace said clothes with same only bigger clothes the problem goes away (admittedly this can be a bit expensive if you're me)

  3. Well I expected worse!! Since I now have my full set of 31 teeth back again (I was born that way, see Darwin's Origin of the Species) I'm no longer sensitive on the subject, my Russian friend is with me now and he's been a great help.
    Funny thing, none of the stuff you washed for me shrank!! How curious!
    Good luck on Tuesday my friend and keep us laughing!

  4. Tea? Is that what Texans are calling vodka these days? My mother,grandmother, and mammy used to call it the same, shortly before they would pass out drunk on the front porch swing! Bless your heart, sugar!

  5. haha, cant wait to hear more about the job :p

    i just arrived to amsterdam a week ago, and right in the middle of the start of the snow chaos here in holland. it was very funny, since back in norway we have much more snow and a few centimeters here everything stops. a little rough intro to holland. by the way, ic u really like the queen? well u kno i was a kings guard back in norway? :p met lots of royalty, tho they didnt interest me that much..

    keep up the good work on ur blog! im right in teh middle of tryin to understand how the dutch work lol ;)

  6. Hi Ken,
    Very funny blog, laughed a lot. Just some links to help you trough the wintermonths and saves you looking trough youtube: and (needs firefox) they normally show all the us series streaming, so you dont need to download and just after they aired in the US.


  7. Ken, it was wonderful to read a nice blog that talks about your time in Holland focusses on another group other than that strange group of human known as "the Dutch." Thank you for stepping outside of the box by chosing an even lower species of man to pick on: The British.

    Oh John.... John, John, John.....I'm going to say this as kindly as my New York tongue can manage because a little birdy told me that you're a bit -shall we say- "sensitive" (or what I like to call "a little bitch") so I'll go easy on you.... (deep breath)....Um, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, man! Your lost tooth was just one external example of how screwed up your insides must be. Chugging vodka/7up/OJ, chain-smoking cigarettes and stinking up people's homes with fish and chips? In "American" you'd be called a HAM (Hot Ass Mess!). Check yourself into the nearest rehab facility and make sure they have a good dentist!

    No Ken, back to you. If I believed in Jebbus I would say that you and Jur are saints to take on such a burdensome task! My friend, I assure you I would nothing more than a pleasure to entertain... I prefer wine! :)

    Good luck on your interview and make sure you stop off in NYC on your next voyage back to civilization. I'll make my mac & cheese for you and your life will never be the same.

  8. What a post Pharaoh, seriously... Wow.

    Getting to this a few days late to wish you luck on the interview, so I do hope it all went well. Glad you made it through the holidays! Wishing you well for the new year and hoping to see some more writings soon!

  9. Mikky, Simon, Punkie.... (and even you Pharaoh) I love ya guys! Thanks for the well wishes and Pharaoh where is the love? LOVE! Anyway Punkie and Simon thanks for commenting and update on job interview soon..... Also Simon how do I e-mail you, The one thing I do not know who to do is write you all back directly! AGGGHHHH. I wish I did. I also do not know if you all get this response. I hoep so. Simon how is Holland treating you? It stopped snowing at least! Mikky I am sooooo watching those channels thanks!

  10. Ken! you gave up your control over what gets to be posted on your blog. It was a brave move but a good one! As a REAL LIFE friend I apologise for insighting whomever that NYC person is to be so obviously dreadful!
    My mom has an expression. "Only a fool fights with an idiot"! Wise words.
    Your blog is not the medium for this kind of venom. Please put him straight!

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  12. Ok Ken, for YOU I will be nice and will apologize to your friend John, who doesn't seem to realize that I too am indeed a "REAL LIFE" friend and more than just a fabulous source of internet entertainment (aka "vomit").

    John, my sincerest apologies to you if I offended you with my "dreadful" ways. I understand that the humors across the pond are very different. I'm really a nice person (and very intelligent,if you ignore my many typos) and I assure you that what your mom was probably saying about your dad does not apply here. May you and your new tooth have a great life.


    ~ PharaohNYC (aka Derrick)

  13. Derrick.
    Thank you for your 'sincere' apology, though I have to say I've never before seen a 'sincere' apology with such an obvious, not so veiled insult in the actual text! Contrary to what you may believe, I am not easily offended, my only issue with you is that you have chosen to use Ken's blog as an outlet to spit your infantile and, it has to be said, rather boring strain of venom.
    Your apologies; sutch as they are should be reserved for him.
    Please let this end here and in future, please try to have a little more respect for this forum.

  14. Spellcheck!! such, sorry Ken and while I'm at it, paraphernalia does have an R in the middle!

  15. Ken, I think your Real Life friend John is in love with me or something.

  16. Stephanie and LolaJanuary 16, 2010 at 8:49 PM

    Hey there, John was here having dinner with me last night and he showed me your now hooked.. loving it .. me and John live near , im in sheffield too. anyways, thanks for making me smile.. and me and John were rolling around laughing . happy day ;)) x

  17. Steph!! You're on board, enjoy! Ken is top 10!

  18. Been reading your blog over breakfast (prozac and o.j) its like a good book you cant put down, 3rd degree laptop burns on my thighs..oh happy days ;)