Discombobulated by a Kruidnoten

There are those days. Those tough, confusing, I am walking around and have no idea what the hell I am doing here in Holland days. They are worth writing about but I guess I have been sort of in a daze that I just did not seem to sit down and write. I should say there have also been good Dutch days too. Many of them! I should write about those as well but they are not as fun to tell!  My Dutch "job" (ughh more on that later but keep in mind there is only so much work I can get with an American resume and not being able to speak the language!) has also kept me from writing. Plus we are just catching up from our steady stream  "let's visit Ken in Holland this summer" visitors from America. (which was exhausting but I was so grateful to see them all).

But yesterday I had a day that was so jarring..... it kicked my butt into the seat to start writing.

Now this all may sound a bit crazy (it does in my mind) but here it goes.

Did I mention to you I have started a cupcake business with Jur here in Holland? Oh yeah! It is true. Besides my money making Dutch degrading job I am pushing cupcakes here in Holland.  I never thought I would be a cupcake maker. I LOVE cupcakes but NEVER did I think I would be in Europe perfecting cupcakes and pushing American Baking Goodies on to Europeans. But I am! In fact it has become sort of a therapeutic treatment for me. When I feel lost, lonely, "jonesing" for America or angry at being an immigrant, I bake goodies from America!

This morning it is blueberry coffee crumb cake.  I needed to bake this morning after yesterday.

Yesterday I got up and had to go to the store to buy some ingredients for an order of 18 cupcakes that needed to go out. Twelve red velvet (my most popular) and 6 of a new recipe I convinced our customer to try.

Okay side story here. I wanted to introduce the Dutch to Peanut Butter and Jelly Cupcakes. It is a vanilla cupcake with grape jelly in the middle and covered with a peanut butter cream cheese frosting. Very American and unique.  I find peanut butter and jelly sandwiches very comforting! I always have. I always will! However there are few problems with this recipe in Holland. Those of you who have read about my early experiences here in Holland may recall a whole chapter I wrote on my search for grape jelly. THERE IS NONE! JUST NONE. NOPE! NOWHERE! NOTHING! NADA!  However one of the benefits of having the steady stream of American visitors this summer was that I insisted each of them to bring me a bottle of Welch's grape Jelly!  I am not about to waste my grape jelly on cupcakes for  people who do not actually like grape jelly. That Jelly is mine! So I replaced the grape jelly with strawberry jam and the cupcake is now  called a Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jam Cupcake.

The other issue with this new cupcake is explaining Peanut Butter and Jam (Jelly) combination to the Dutch! It seems so strange to them. Despite the fact that they eat Peanut Butter and Chocolate Sprinkles. Despite the fact that they eat all kinds of jams. The putting of the two of them together puzzles them. I also discovered that most of the Dutch have not experienced and are not fond of the combination of Chocolate and Peanut Butter. Like a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup, which I find stunning, unimaginable and almost makes me want to faint. That is like saying you do not like oxygen or, okay,  not so dramatically that is like saying you do not like bread!  This discovery also poses another problem for me with my next cupcake creation.... my chocolate cupcake filled with peanut butter cream and chocolate frosting with crushed chocolate covered peanuts on top.... IT IS DIVINE! I believe in it!

Oh the frustration of cooking American food in Holland! I could write a whole chapter on me explaining and defending the simple gloriousness of a Rice krispie treat. Who knew I  would be forced into spending so much time explaining what a freakin' rice krispie is. How it is not Asian. No it is not an individual kernel of rice that I fried up. It is a cereal! A CEREAL THAT MILLIONS OF MY PEOPLE EAT!

Okay see, I sound crazy....

So anyway we have started a cupcake company here in Holland. We had an order. I had to go to the store for ingredients. So I hop on my bike. Yes, folks, since you have heard from me last I am now a savvy Dutch Bike rider. I can even ride through the city with a bag of groceries. (Well kind of.)  So I head to the store. It is crowded as usual. I am on the hunt for Mon Chou. The Dutch version (from France it sounds like) of Philadelphia Cream cheese. Mon Chou, after many, many, many attempts at cream cheese  frosting (a must for my red velvet and carrot cake cupcakes) I have found is the best product to use. Actually to give credit where credit is due Jur recommended it after he heard me say over and over that Dutch Roomkaas (something I thought looked like American cream cheese was not working)  Mon Chou works, and it tastes delicious I must say. Our cream cheese frosting is just like home.

As I make my way through the Dutch crowded grocery store to the Mon Chou section, I come to a complete stand still. I see something that hits me like a brick wall. KRUIDNOTEN.  A giant display of kruidnoten (pronounced crude-note-n). Little ginger cookies that were thrown at me last year by the little black faced elves of St. Nicolas.  OH MY GOD! Is it Kruidnoten time again? I remember Kruidnoten were everywhere. At every party, every office. I was given bags of them as gifts. They looked like cookie crisp cereal and tried to eat them with milk in a bowl which doesn't work. They just turn to mush.  Lord I had so many Kruidnoten  I tried  throwing them out for the pigeons but they wanted nothing to do with them. I, too, like the pigeons am not fond of kruidnoten.

Anyway there we were. The Kruidnoten and me.  Not even Dutch grocery shoppers bumping into me could break my gaze.  I had a flood of emotions and thoughts that overcame me as the Kruidnoten and I stared at each other. My God how long have I been here? Is it Christmas time already? I have been here so long I can  recognize seasonal Dutch food. My God I have been here a long time! How long have I lived here?  Who am I? Where am I? What is the name of the store? How did I become a cupcake maker in Holland? Where did I park my bike?  What is  the date? Do I have enough Mon Chou?

Slowly I gathered up all my confusion and my basket and moved onto to the next aisle. But still keeping my eye on the kruidnoten.  Then in the next aisle, still in shock, I began searching desperately for any Dutch candy like combination of peanuts and chocolate for my next future creation.  That is when I heard a Mother and son talking. They were either British or Australian. The son was expressing his frustration over not recognizing any of the cookies and candy. The Mother responded, sort of out of frustration but also out of sympathy for her son " Darling, I do not know what to say,  I am sorry I do not know either. It is all foreign to me, I just don't know."  I just looked at them from a few feet away. Pfft....newbies. Poor things. They know nothing!

I decided to ask "Where are you from?"

They seemed a bit shocked that I spoke to them but The Mother replied "England"

"Oh nice. How long have you been here?"

"We moved here one month ago" she said

"It is different, huh? So what are you looking for?"

"Oh my son wants an English Biscuit like we have back home but I just do not see it"

Now I wanted to go off here. Hah! Never, yeah well good luck with that one, There ain't no way! Ain't gonna happen lady, sorry kid. Happy hunting!

But instead I made a few suggestions of close alternatives. The little boy did not seem completely satisfied but I felt like I tried my best. I could not believe I was in a Dutch grocery store helping foreigners find food. How long have I been here? Who am I? Where am I?

I began to walk away and then I stopped. I turned back to the British Mother and son and said "Oh and by the way, have you ever heard of a kruidnoten?"

They both nodded their head no and seemed a bit scared of me. I noticed the  Mother pulling her son close to her as I spoke.

I pointed to the display of kruidnoten down at the end of the aisle. "See those? Those are kruidnoten. Get used to them. It is almost Christmas and you are in Holland. they are everywhere! You'll see. Good luck" and I turned and walked away. I am sure they thought I was crazy seeing as how it was September and I was talking about Christmas and strange cookies while carrying a basket full of Mon Chou bars.

When I got home I wanted to tell Jur about my bizarre, eye opening grocery store experience but to be honest I was still trying to figure it all out. Plus every time I come home from the store or ANYWHERE even though it has already been a year and half of living here, I always have some bizarre, eye opening experience. It is exhausting for both of us to hear and experience. So I am kind of at the stage where I keep some of it to myself.  Partially to spare Jur the boredom and partially to not get mad at him for not fully understanding and sympathizing with me. Because if he doesn't he better watch the hell out, cause this is all his fault and and and.... well it is not his fault, but sometimes I get so frustrated I do not know how to channel my emotions.
So this time I chose not to tell Jur and besides, we had things to do like make and deliver cupcakes and also  to go to the printer to run off copies of a flyer to announce our cupcake delivery service.

We made the cupcakes and I must say Jur, who is not the best cook, has become a master at piping forsting and decorating cupcakes. I cook. He decorates. It works. We made and delivered our cupcakes, made the copies of our flyer but all the while my experience earlier at the grocery was weighing heavily on my mind. It was like I was waking up form a deep coma and trying to figure out where I was. Who I was. Jur asked me a few times if I was okay. I still tried to keep it to myself.

And then...... as we were in the car at a stop light on a tiny side street and I stared ahead at the traffic
passing in front of us... it happened..... a yellow NYC taxi passed in front of me. A REAL NYC YELLOW TAXI! Followed immediately by a Los Angeles Police Cop car, followed right after by a light blue Chicago Police Cop car and then finally two big American Police Motorcycles and here is the kicker.... I swear  I SWEAR that Police Motorcycle said San Antonio Police Department. My hometown. I SWEAR! In the Hague. This happened in Holland. Right in front of me. It was like I was in New York, Chicago, San Antonio and Holland all within the blink of an eye!

Okay....now.... I am going to use a bad word here, so excuse me, but this is what uncontrollably came out of my mouth.

"What the fuck was that?"

Words can not express my fear, my confusion, my utter despair as I was coming to terms with the fact that I am hallucinating and that this is the end. I am insane. I am also aware of my insanity and I am  not sure what to do about it.

"What  the hell was that?"

Now, THANK GOD for Jur. He saw it too. In my hysteria I insisted he weave his way through traffic so we could catch up with my hallucination. We did and, guess what,  those damn Cops bikes WERE from the San Antonio Police Department. WHAT!?!? They were being driven by some old Dutch biker gang who I guess collect bikes and cars from the States. I was so freaked out I could not contain myself. I rolled down my window and began shouting at them   "Hello! HELLO! I do not speak Dutch but I am from San Antonio! I AM FROM SAN ANTONIO. TEXAS! ME!"

The Dutch Biker just smiled and tried to focus on the road.

We came to a stop at a light and again still hysterical I started yelling "Hello! HELLO! ME! I am from San Antonio. ME SAN ANTONIO. (yes I find not using complete sentences sometimes helps in hysterical situations in a foreign country) Your bike is from my town? What are you doing here? This is confusing me! You are confusing me! I am Texas!            
ME. I know your bike!!!!"

Poor Jur just stared at me and the biker just smiled and said "Texas" and then sped off!

Then I could no longer contain myself. My whole day and all my thoughts uncontrollably came out. I started telling Jur everything! Or I tried to. I told him that I am freaking out because of the Kruidnoten display. I said something about Mon Chou but I am not even sure what or why! I told him that I may have freaked  out a British Mother and her Child who were looking biscuits. I said something about me not liking blacked faced elves throwing cookies at me.  Jur looked scared but I continued and gave a passionate small speech about the wonders Rice krispie treats and chocolate and peanut butter as one of the greatest combinations EVER. I gave him a list of things we needed to do to prepare for Christmas.  Finally I explained to him that seeing yellow taxis and Texas Police cars in the Hague is CLEARLY some sort of sign. It had to be right? RIGHT!!!!!!??????

I am sure none of if it made sense and judging from his silence I know it did not.

"SEE!!!!!!!!!!! YOU JUST DO NOT GET IT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT JUR!"
But I did not say that. Instead I came home and made some rice krispie treats!

By the way our customer LOVED the the Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jam Cupcakes. She wants more!

All is well and I am not crazy.

My Dutch Class Report #2 Poor Mrs Wytske (My Teacher)

I have now had four of my ten Dutch classes. So much has happened and changed since my first (and only) report about my class.

As you may recall we meet once a week on Tuesdays from 7-10:15 p.m.. Not 10 but 10:15. Those last 15 minutes are tough. After the third class the teacher announced that there was no class next week due to fall break. Thank God! All this school work has been hard. I deserved a break. All of us international students yelled out for joy in our various languages and tribal sounds once we each looked up in our native language to Dutch dictionaries what she said. I felt like I was in High School or college again and was just told it was Spring Break and heading to Cancun! The whole bike ride home I kept singing "PARRRRRR TEHHHHH I am on falllllllll break....PARRRRR TEHHHHH I am on SPPPPRRRING BREAK." It was the best bike ride ever! I love Holland. It is one of the top ten countries in the world on the number of holidays and vacations for students and employees. I have never wanted to get a job so bad, just so I can get the required 25 days paid vacation (not including holidays and sick days).

I announced my news to Jur by saying "Nederland is goed. Ik ben op vakanties". Then I broke out into my fall break party dance and pranced around the house. It was a good thing there was no beer in the house cause I am sure I would have made a beer bong and gone crazy.

Anyway, as of this Tuesday vacation was over and it was back to class. The vacation flew by! I was dreading going back as if it was the first day. I sat in my usual seat. I get to class early now to claim it. I have discovered that some cultures (ROMANIANS and GERMANS to be specific!) seem to have NO etiquette when it comes to seat assignments. True, we may not have been assigned seats, but I like to sit in the same seat. I chose my seat. It has a good view of the clock. It is at the end of the row so I have plenty of elbow room. It is not in the front and not in the back but toward the middle back so if I am lost or confused I can sort of be hidden. I was so mad when I got to class two when I found Eve or Eva or whatever the cold German woman's name is sitting in my seat. That was my seat. Now I notice she keeps moving every class to a different spot and I watch as people who used to sit in the seat which she now occupies walk in and are instantly confused and displaced. I can't help but to revert to history and wonder what it is with Germans needing to occupy everything? I am watching her! The big day will come when Eva the German tries to take Lieve's (or something sounding like that), the flashy dressing scarf wearing French woman, seat. Lieve is very outspoken and I don't think she would tolerate the invasion. I class-dream about them fighting over their territory. That would be one hell of a battle. I think as an American in Europe I get caught up in The Band of Brothers, Winds of War Hollywood movie version of Europe.

On class three I came early to stake my claim before the German, and THEN the quiet Romanian women came in (LATE I might add) and sat in the seat right next to me! OH GOD! See we sit at these two person table desks. This is not a normal classroom. During the day it is a science biology lab for High School Students. There are jars of pickled ancient animals and insects all along the right side of the classroom. It was kind of distracting and gross at first. Our desks are lab tables. They appear to be clean and the room never smells. Judging from the pictures on the chalk board (I see them since I am the first to arrive because of the GERMAN!) the students are actually dissecting a flower (Iris or Lily or something). Anyway the Romanian lady walks in (LATE as I said!) and sits down on MY lab table. Why would she do that? She has disrupted my personal space. She has immigrated into my territory. A whole different type of invasion. This was an annoyingly big deal! CLEARLY there were at least two or three empty lab tables in the front or back. GREAT! Class three is ruined for me now! Our elbows were practically touching and NOW this forces me to be her Dutch Lab Partner when it comes to the conversation exercises! Uugghhh the Romanians are hard to understand and she is like Jiajio (my previous Chinese Dutch Lab Partner) so soft spoken.

So NOW not only do I get to class early, I also spread my back pack, my papers, textbooks, pens and candy all over my lab table to make people feel unwelcome. It worked this week but I am always ready for another country to invade.

The really hard part about the class is that we are from all over the world and have different levels of Dutch and English and have no idea how to talk to each other in most of each other's native tongues. We seem to have all grown slightly scared of each other. There is a lot of darting eyes, the occasional hesitant smirk and a lot of shrugging shoulders. For example this guy from some country (I honestly do not know where he is from. He could be anywhere from South America to the Middle East, he is very unusual. I have thought that perhaps he is Gypsy.) looked across the aisle at me and pointed to something the teacher had written or said and mouthed some sort of question or statement to me. I had no idea what he wanted or was trying to say and I did not want to offend him so I did this physical combination of a shoulder shrug indicating...I don't know, plus the slight unfolding my hands indicating...I welcome your question, at the same time I widened my eyes to indicate.... I too am surprised by what he is pointing out, and the same time nodding my head in a weird way indicating both... yes and no. This is a safe answer that allows me to not point out that I have no idea what is going on or what anyone is saying. I learned this from Jiajio (My Ex Chinese Dutch Lab Partner). She did it to me all the time. It is a very effective technique that has spread faster then wildfire in the classroom. Now we all do it. Especially to the teacher, Mevrouw Wytske, when she calls on us.

Poor Mrs Wytske. The class seems to be taking its toll on her. She has a lot to deal with. People from all over the world asking her questions in broken English and broken Dutch. She is trying to teach one of the hardest languages in the world. She also has her own difficulty with English. I feel for her sometimes. Many times I see her just stare at a student when they ask something. She seems to have the look of a deer caught in headlights. A look of shock, fear and helplessness. As the weeks have passed I have noticed that the class has taken it's toll on her. Each new class she dresses in darker and more depressing clothing. By the end of each class her hair is all desheveled and frizzy and she always ends up with chalk powder smudges all over her face and clothes. (Especially her shoulder and elbow area because she is always hugging herself for comfort). She appears to be losing weight and has definitely aged. She no longer wears make-up or jewelry. It's like she has given up. She seems to have developed a nervous twitch on her lower lip that seems to be aggrevated when any of us raise our hand to ask a question. Especially by the guy from India who sits in the front row and asks a lot of questions. I feel for Mrs. Wytske because in all honesty I have no idea what the hell he is saying and wether he is saying it in Dutch, English or Indian. I am not sure how she deals with this. I am starting to worry about her. After the first hour I am exhausted just witnessing it all.

The most common question she gets though, which occurs at least fifteen to twenty times a class is: "I sorry, please, Wytske, but what you in book page where, danku?" or many variations of this question. This too seems to make her upset. I hope she knows we are all trying!

I study. I do. Jur and I both work on my flashcards, which is very challenging for our relationship. I have put post-its all over the house to become accustomed to seeing words. Jur tolerates this. To see him drinking from a coffee cup with a post-it is very touching. He cares. I asked Jur's sister Cathy (mijn schoonzus) for some children's books which she gave me. I am presently reading a lovely ten page book about a family of pigs that are going to a Mud Festival (I think?). It is a bit advanced for me.

Most of the time we learn strange things like words involving ice skating, cheese and dogs. I am not sure why that is but I trust Mevrouw Wytske. This past Tuesday, however, we did learn about numbers and time. All hell broke lose as Mrs Wytske played an audio tape of authentic announcements of train schedule changes. All of us just looked up into space hoping to catch a glimmer of a word so that we might catch our imaginaery train. Numbers are hard in Dutch for example 1998 in Dutch is negentienhonderdachtennegentig. What? They might as well be saying supercalifragilisticexpealidotious (which I am starting to believe is a dutch word, probably meaning something important like "look out!"). These long words are annoying. Get this....3271 is drieduizedtweehonderdeenenzeventig! Huh?
When I confronted Mevrouw Wytske about my dislike of this (most of the class giggled in agreement) her lip twitched a bit but then she turned to the chalk board and wrote in English threethousandtwohundredseventyone and turned back to me with this smug chalk covered look of victory and said "see in English it is just as long, you just separate the words with spaces. Dutch are more efficient and take up less space." I shrugged my shoulders, opened my hands, widened my eyes and bobbled my head.

So that is my Nederlandse klas report. Next week, if I am correctly reading ahead in the book, we are learning about nephews, bald people, beards, twins, Van Gogh, ham and itching. I still do not know how to say help me, I feel sick, I don't want to eat that, I am lost or important things like that, but I can tell you if a woman has red glasses, a dog is on the couch or that I am not camping....... I'll keep you posted on Mrs Wytske's health and the progress of my class. Tot Ziens.